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Defining Respect


My son and I have completed our first part of the Respect Journal exercise. Not having a system to follow, I thought I would begin by exploring respect in its many forms, and I thought I would share the steps we followed for anyone who might like to try this at home, or with a class. While I will share some specifics, the contents of any journal would vary by child and by their perception of the word “respect.” If you decide to try this, you will need to tweak steps 7 – 10.

Step 1: Definition of Respect

Google confirmed that the definition of respect was “A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something because of their abilities, qualities or achievements.” This unexpected definition led me to my first blog. I had always equated respect with obedience or deference. I think many adults actually want obedience and mentally define respect as “being obedient because you want to,” but that isn’t what respect means.

Step 2: Visualize Respect

I gave my son a short stack of magazines and asked him to select images that he associated with respect. We don’t get many magazines at our house and we ended up with a stack of pictures of cute animals. I’m as big a fan of cute animals as the next person, but that wasn’t the exercise. When I asked what about them made him think of “respect,” he said there weren’t any images he found that made him think of respect.

Step 2, Plan B. We went to Google to do an image search so we could print images to decorate our journal. This was an even better way to do it because he now had to select words that produced images. Now the whole brain is involved with words AND pictures!

He liked images that had quotes and these were the ones he selected:

“Respect: Give respect, get respect.”

“Sharing is Caring”

“We rise by lifting others”

“Team: Together Everyone Achieves More”

“The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention.”

“Never stop doing little things for others. Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts.”

He also chose two pictures. One was a picture of two gerbils sharing a carrot, and the other was these cute little box figures, a big one and a small one. The big one was helping the little one up a stair.

I found this fascinating. It’s all good stuff, but think about it—sharing, lifting, working together, being kind--if this is how he views respect than he is 150% successful. He shares in class, he’s nice to everyone, he offers “helpful” comments. “Respect” is a word probably posted in every classroom, and yet I wonder what the true expectation is about this behavior?

Step 3: Respect for the Person

I gave my son a list of people who are important in his life – teachers, his principal, our minister, his Sunday school teacher, coaches, volunteers and our family. I then asked him what ability, quality or achievement he admired about each. What I found interesting about this was that every answer had to do with how he interacted with the person. None of it was at arms-length. None of these qualities would elicit silence. He wants to be in a relationship with them, which I believe is typical of his generation and how they interact with their world. While some are not comfortable interacting with adults or speaking up in class, for those who are, they expect to be an active part of any discussion.

Step 4: Respect for the Job

Even if a child is in awe of an individual person, everything can break down when there is a substitute. Sometimes there can also be the case where a child doesn’t connect with one teacher well. Someday as adults we might have a boss we don't like. There comes a time where you put aside your feelings for an individual, or your lack of feelings in the case of someone new who you don’t know, and you show respect for the role the person plays in your life. To address that situation, I created a list of jobs that are part of his daily life and I asked him to share what he respects about people who work in that role. What I got was a less-specific list of nice attributes than we had for the people I could name individually.

Step 5: What do You Want to be Admired for?

I asked my son what he wants to be admired for and how does he want others to show their admiration. Most of his responses were similar to what he sees in others – kindness, humor, helpfulness. The one that felt different was that he wanted to be admired for being responsible. Bingo! This one points us in a direction that begins to get where we need to go.

Step 6: Respect for Rules

Beyond respecting a person or a role, everything he does has a set of rules. No matter who is giving him the rule, it needs to be respected, and by that I do mean “admired.” Rules play an important part of how we successfully get through the day. I asked him to list five rules, and then why the rule is good for him.

Step 7: Understanding His Definition of Respect

I asked my son to select his favorite quote from the cover of his journal and tell me why it is his favorite. He selected, “We rise by lifting others.” I then gave him a list of people and asked how he lifts them. His definitions were off the mark in that they were more chore-oriented. Yes, he would lift my day if he cleaned some part of the house, but that does not lead to a peaceful classroom experience. I wanted him to understand that he lifts the people who lead him when he lets them lead him. But how to get at that?

Step 8: Refining his Definition

I went out on a limb here that I would get the answer I wanted. I asked that he consider his six senses, and to tell me which he would least like to lose, and why. This one went a little over his head initially and his answer was silly, so we discussed it one on one. Turns out he would least like to lose his sense of hearing. If he lost this he felt he would not be able to be understood, or understand others. Bingo again! We are wading into an understanding that people want to be heard. They value it. But they also want to be understood, not just heard. Now we are getting somewhere.

Step 9: Confront Sharing

Many of the images on the cover of the journal are about sharing. If sharing is acting respectfully, then all classroom behavior is respectful. And yet it isn’t. I asked him why he thought sharing showed respect. How does it show that you care? Then I asked him to name five instances where sharing would not show respect. I didn’t expect that all five answers would help this discussion, I only needed one or two. He surpassed my expectations with four answers that were relevant.

Inappropriate sharing:

  1. Share something inappropriate

  2. Sharing something that upsets someone

  3. Sharing sarcastically

  4. Leaving someone out

Step 10: Deeper Dive into Sharing

Having pointed out that not all sharing is good, I asked him for three good ways to share with teachers and three not-so-good ways. The “good things” he listed were right on track. They show that he gets the point of listening and participating. The “not so good” ways had two gems that show me he is starting to see where we are going. One was sharing something inappropriate and the other was off topic. All we were missing was timing, and that is a critical part of the journey here.

Conclusion

Each day after I read his entries I answered the same questions in the journal. We sat down over the weekend and reviewed his responses and mine, and had a discussion about it. I took the individual lessons and attempted to string them together for him so that he can see how they all fit together. We now have the building blocks in place for his learning, and I have a deeper appreciation for the level of interaction and discussion that will be part of my professional future.

The Journal Journey

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